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I am a plonker. For the record, I usually am not one. I generally have my wits about me. But (blame it on the sunshine, 40 degrees in the shade last week: blame it on the moonshine…) today I strode confidently into a well-known women’s clothes shop in the Westfield and told staff that I had come to collect my items – click and collect, you know what I mean.

What’s your order number, the woman asked. Order number – I replied. Err…don’t know. I proceeded to tell this staff member that when I go to collect my click and collectables, I am just asked for my name. What’s your name? Last name? Lovelock. She goes to check the iPad. Err…no Lovelock here. What’s your first name. I tell her. No. The only Lovelock we have is a Diane or Jane or…

I stopped listening and tried to pull up the email that told me my collectables were ready to collect. No signal. Ah! What did you order? Two white denim jackets. I telephoned last Thursday and was told they were there. I am here to collect them. Whilst one staff member scours the iPad to death, another goes into a cubby hole murmuring that she had seen the white denim jackets, but they were not there now. Have you sent them back? I asked. No. We wouldn’t send the items back until we called you. So, nothing on the iPad and the cubby hole has nothing for me. What to do? So, they were not in the store. Also, I had a train to catch, so I left, taking their names, and promising to return for my white denim jackets. Two. I bought two in different sizes. To see which fitted better.

Back home. Checked email for that particular store and details of my order. Nothing. Crumbs! I am mystified. Truly! You know what I am thinking now, don’t you? Yes. Where the hell did I make that purchase? I have no idea: blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the moonshine…

Inspector Gadget comes to mind. I need him on the case even though he can be a bit dim-witted himself. What about Columbo? Nah. Retired.

So, there’s no other way around this except…except, painstakingly go through all my emails (hundreds of them) from the last couple of weeks and see if I can glean anything. Eureka! That worked. Got it. Except to say, you know the store I so confidently walked into and had the staff scouring the iPad and searching through the cubby hole? It wasn’t them!

Did I say I am a plonker? First chance I get I’ll be in that store on bended knee. Might also need to take in some chocolates…

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